17 Signs the Friendship Has Gone Toxic & It's Time to Walk Away

I’m walking up to the cashier lady, feeling like a confident young woman in my winter coat in high spirits (despite what the morning brought) when I asked her,

“Can I ask you a question? When is it time to let go of a friendship?”

“When they've done me wrong too many times.”

I got despondent while loading my bag, and she could tell and replied to me,

“If you’re thinking about letting it go… then it’s time to let it go.”

1. You’re questioning if it’s toxic.

When the store clerk said that to me, I knew in my gut that I had tried all that I could and that it was time to cut the ties.

“I’ve just… I’ve tried every which way to get through to her: on phone calls, text messages, even writing her a letter… and it just seems like nothing I do or say is ever going to be enough for this girl.”

“Then it’s time to let it go.”

If you’re questioning if the friendship has formed more malicious habits that genuine ones, then odds are that it has. Good friends should make you feel safe and should never leave you wondering where they stand.

2. You have to walk on eggshells.

You feel like you never know when your conversation is going to take a hard left turn. If you constantly feel that you have to filter what you say to them, then this is not a friend.

You should not have to tip-toe or live in fear of how they will react to your next text message.

3. Texting is a nightmare.

Tone is ambiguous on a screen. I am a believer that texting is not meant for full on conversations; texting is meant to arrange a time for full, meaningful, verbal discourse.

Still, texting is a fun and short way to communicate with your friends… but if when you text, you suddenly find yourself yelling through the screen and re-reading over and over again what you wrote that was taken so offensively… then that is not an issue on your end.

Someone wise said to me, “You can trust that if you believe you’re treating people right, you are.”

4. Everything is made to be about them.

All of our feelings are valid, but I also am a firm believer that we are all responsible for our on emotions, thoughts, and interpretations.

Sometimes people have PTSD from previous abusive relationships, self confidence issues, lack of solid self-esteem that make them unable to step outside of the frame and see that nothing everything is about them or an attack on them.

5. They are unable to recognize their own faults.

I am a stubborn human being. It is ironically my greatest quality, but also my biggest flaw.

I realize that I am only 22, and that I still have much to learn. I have had my fair share of failed relationships and I have always taken the time to reflect what I had done wrong on my end, because after all – it is a two way street.

But if you are remaining in a friendship where the person repeats their actions time and time again, and they never take responsibility for it – then it is no longer worth your time and energy.

6. You are always the one to reach out and make amends.

And don’t make the mistake that I keep making: which is fighting till the very bitter end.

Most people see my life from a bird’s eye view; the people that I allow into it with a microscope is very rare. If you ever happen to be one of those rare few, you better best believe that it means I care deeply for you and that I will do anything and everything to salvage the relationship.

But in my life I have often (more like always) been the one to reach out and apologize, even if I had not instigated whatever conflict had arisen.

There was a friend I had a falling out with three and a half years ago. She wasn’t a dramatic person and neither am I, so I kept my feelings on the relationship to myself and never made them known. I decided that if she really wanted to pursue our friendship, that she would contact me and make it known.

I called her one time, six months after an event which left me questioning the respect in the relationship, about to tell her how I was feeling. She yapped on the phone about her boyfriend instead, and I never got to say what I needed to. She said she’d call me back in a few hours, and never did.

Three years later, a mutual friend kept mentioning her on the phone and I was curious about how she was doing. There was a fallout, but not so dramatic that I couldn’t give her a call. I thought, “Well, it’s been a few years – maybe things have changed!”

I have learned the hard way that people often see you the same way, frozen, as they did when they met you. Therefore, the friends that I made when I was fourteen still see me as fourteen-year-old Stephanie, and not the now young woman Stephanie.

When I called her, she referred to the same things that irked me – even more so now that I was three years older and more sure and confident of myself. The minute I hung up the phone, I suddenly remembered all of the reasons why I myself did not proceed with the friendship.

Friends should respect you, even if the way you look at life is a little different than them. Find friends who admire your persona; it isn’t that hard.

7. The cycle never ends.

You can’t keep slamming yourself into a brick wall expecting to walk through it. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing at times, but when you’ve had to beg for it sixty million times – at some point, you’re just too tired.

“I’m sorry” and making amends shouldn’t be the most prevalent theme in the relationship, and if it is – start questioning if this is something you really want in your life.

8. They are provocative.

Some people are just looking for trouble; they need to inhale this stuff for breakfast.

If someone is provoking you with text messages, or looking to start a fight with you just because they have some sort of pent up anger that they were unable to previously express – it’s a Thank you, next from me.

9. They keep tabs on all they’ve done for you.

Friends shouldn’t hold grudges or tabs. I am a thoughtful and caring friend, but I never make lists on all of the nice things that I’ve done for someone. I work for free, and I work for love.

If a friend is holding over your head all of the things they have contributed to the relationship, then that is not a friend. A friend just wants to see you happy, and does not expect things in return. They know that give and take is a matter of ebb and flow, and that the day will come again when it is your turn to be the breadwinner/contributor again.

Nothing you do is ever enough to validate the receipts they have on you, and you shouldn’t have to constantly prove your candor, appreciation, and honest intentions to them time & time again.

10. If this were a romantic partner, you’d break up with them.

They say you need to break up with someone when you find yourself having more sad, frustrated, or angry days with someone than happy days.

If most of the relationship, you are spending your time feeling any other emotion besides joy – it is no longer right.

11. You spend more time wondering how to fix the friendship than enjoying it.

This was not the first time that this has happened to me. It doesn’t mean that it is permanent (I have later had friends come back into my life when the issues of the relationship had dissipated with time & maturity on both ends), but if you find yourself spending more time on how to phrase your apology from your last squabble… it isn’t a bond that is good to keep in your life any longer.

12. They’re petty with you.

Everything is escalated into something unnecessary, and they often redirect their own anger and emotions-yet-to-be-worked-through onto you.

Unfortunately, just because some people left high school doesn’t mean that it left them.

When people show you who they really are, you must believe them. I have made the mistake of waiting and hoping someone will change only to be left disappointed and frustrated every single time.

You cannot change or control other people’s actions, emotions, or interpretations. You can only control your own.

Some people feed off of drama and cannot survive without it. It is tiring to always be wondering what the next thing they will make a mountain out of a mole hill, will be.

13. They can’t handle you at your worst.

And if so – then they do not deserve you at your best.

I had realized that over the past year, my worst nightmare come to life – that I had found myself surprised who had made it this far and who ended up getting left behind.

You have to sit down and have a good hard look at the people you are allowing to stand with you, and how their presence makes you feel. If you have an epiphany moment where you realize that for the next hard time (because, unfortunately, it won’t be the last) that this person is not someone who you would want around, then it means they are not the right person for you.

It does not always mean that they are bad people, but it may mean that their way of coping with difficult situations simply does not align with you, your wants, and your needs during the valleys of your life.

14. They go running to your old ex-friends

This is a big no-no for me, and where I draw the line from “I may just give you a chance to redeem yourself here” to “never again”.

A friend who goes running to someone else who disrespected you, is most certainly not your friend.

Even worse, if it is someone that once disrespected them as well – then you now have a clear picture on who they really are and where they mentally stand on the scale.

It’s a state of shock and utter awe. You seriously had higher respect for someone, and can not believe that they would stoop to someone else’s level. But it only adds to your list of reasons why.

15. They accuse you of things that are out of your character.

I freaking hate social media and texting. I’m not sure how many times I have to say it: but it’s abysmal in the sense that the tone is ambiguous in these forms of communication, and therefore – interpretation is always up to the reader despite the speaker believing that what they are conveying is crystal clear.

My good friends know that there are two sides to me; they know that I am either four-years-old, or eighty-four-years old – and that there is no in between. My good friends also know that my true character is actually the latter; I am a serious person at the core. My mask to the world and strangers is my bubbly, vivacious side.

My good friends (should) also know that the line is strong and well defined between the two. It is always clear when I am goofing around, and when I am joking about something.

To think someone who knew me so well would ever think that I could ever whole heartedly mean something so manipulative and selfish is beyond me. And if someone you knew so well truly believes it, then they most certainly do not know you as well as you thought they did, and they were (unfortunately) never your friend to begin with.

Someone who questions your character and your intent is not someone worth having in your life.

16. Your other friends see it beforehand and continuously warn you.

I have a friend who is extremely intuitive. She has picked up on things that I have told her about people in my life, and has never been afraid to tell me the cold hard truth even if it is something she knows that I do not want to hear.

She would warn me for months that I was allowing a friendship in my life to cause more harm than good, but because of my nature – I kept fighting, and I kept holding on.

We are often afraid to let go and move on because we are scared of what is next, but life is ever changing and evolving. Especially when you are young, you are often not the same person or have the same values as you did when you became friends.

She said to me over text message while I was still in New York, after I had another squabble with someone via text,

“Even if you love xyz, there’s a lot of negative energy there and maybe it’s not worth it to continue that. I’ve recently dealt with endings of friendships, old and new, and I’ve been thinking about what I’ve done wrong and what I deserve. I think in the end there are always things we could have changed, but you put a lot of love into that friendship and maybe it hasn’t been the best. Whatever happened, you need people who can support who you are today…

… I think it’s just a natural parting of ways. Time to let go. Old things aren’t always good things.”

Despite feeling her words to be true, it took a couple more months before I could fully resonate and accept them.

Old things aren’t always good things, and sometimes – it is best to leave the good things in the past rather than fight to keep them in the present where they may no longer belong.

Or else, you run the risk of letting it turn too sour – and being unable to look back fondly.

17. The idea of it being in the past makes you feel lighter.

I sat down and wrote a long email to someone last night that I am not so sure I will ever send. But, doing so allowed me to process the events and the slow, sad demise of the relationship – and I now feel expelled of all of the stress, worry, doubt, and negative energy that I had spent the past year allowing to consume me.

I sobbed writing the email. After all, grief is not shy. Breaking up with a friend really is a million and ten times worse than breaking up with a romantic partner ever will be. There were memories, secrets, and futures & fantasies that we dreamed about together that we will now never know of.

But ultimately, on the walk back from the grocery store – I felt excited for who and what is next to come into my life.

Learn how the dynamic changed, recognize what caused it all to go wrong, and apply what has happened to your next and existing relationships.

Not all friendships are meant to last forever. As we age, we change, and the people we allow into our life must be in sync with us. You no longer need to spend your energy in this negative space… you have newfound freedom to cultivate new friendships or nurture your already existing ones.

I never say never. I am always open to communication, change, and solutions – but there comes a time when you must accept your own efforts and walk away. People who are meant to be and want to be in your life will come to you. I have learned this much.

After all, nothing is the same in a year. I have had many friends where we take our respective space, and have come back with relationships even stronger and more fulfilling than I could’ve ever imagined them to be.

This could all be resolved then, or it fades from the foreground – but whichever way you cut it, you cannot keep growing if you don’t keep going.

The present is a gift. Unwrap your friends like they are this.