How to Get Over Heartbreak
Heartbreak. Let’s just all get on the same page here.
It downright sucks.
There’s no way around it. Whether it be from a missed job opportunity, fight with a friend, or a break-up (but let’s get real, especially with break ups) – having an ambiguous loss to deal with is far from a walk in the park.
We’ve all been through it, and if you haven’t yet, I hate to break it to you – but there’s a 99.999999% that you too will go through it at some point.
I’ll tell you right now, you’re not as alone as you feel. We can’t walk a mile in one another’s shoes, but we can resonate to the feeling of loss… and we can also share with one another our secrets to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel…
… and that’s what I’m about to do. Here are my twelve, tested, tried and true tips to healing after a heartbreak:
1. Remind Yourself Why It Didn’t Work
I heard this the other day on The Real,
“Rejection is God’s protection.”
You don’t have to be spiritual or religious to understand the raw honesty in that quote.
Everything happens for a reason, and while this may not seem like it makes sense right now, one day you’ll look back and realize that there was a meaning and (hopefully) a lesson to be learned in exchange for the demise of your relationship.
Love really is blind. There should always be both sense and sensibility in a relationship… but if you’re anything like me, you probably overdose on the sensibility part juuuusssttt a tad.
It’s hard for us to look past all of the flaws and deal breakers while we’re still submersed in something.
Now that it’s over, look back at what happened with a clear head. It’s time to get real. What were you two unwilling to compromise on? Did one of you want to live in New York and the other in California? What nasty habits did they have that drove you insane and would’ve resulted in an even more explosive fire later on?
I know it’s hard to not be aggravated and drown yourself in your own sorrows…
… but don’t let what happened to you make you bitter, use it as an opportunity to make yourself better.
2. Cry
I know. I know. You’re thinking,
“Stephanie, have you lost it? Aren’t I supposed to be getting over this person instead of dwelling on it?”
In all honesty, I was raised in a world where I was taught to suppress everything… and it took me more than half of my life to realize how wrong that is.
Because the only way to get past something, is to go through it.
I’ve actually read studies online that it’s beneficial to listen to sad songs about lost-love because it’s a cathartic act that makes the person listening realize that they aren’t alone; that someone else has gone through the same emotions they’re experiencing.
So, whenever you feel like crying… cry.
But when you’re done crying, wipe away your tears and remember: you’re going to find the person one day who’s going to ruin your lipstick – not your mascara.
3. Use Your Creative Outlets
During this confusing time, it’s more important than ever to find ways to express yourself. Giving yourself the opportunity to rationalize and accept your own emotional turmoil will allow you to process all that’s happened much easier.
For me, besides writing, I have to talk to a trustworthy (key word being trustworthy – don’t be pre-heartbreak Stephanie and recruit the advice of five million different people in five million different age groups. Remember: if you ask ten different people for advice, you’re going to get ten different answers) friend, listen to a lot of music, and most of the time – hop on the piano and write my own song about it.
Poetry works for me, too – but odds are, you’re reading this because you’re not a writer. Maybe it’s painting. Maybe it’s organizing some new volunteer work. Maybe it’s choreographing a new dance.
Take your hurting and make something out of it.
4. Give Yourself New Things to Look Forward Too
Plan a girl’s trip to New York City. Check out that new restaurant downtown. Buy a concert ticket to the band you’ve been dying to see that your significant other wouldn’t have been half as thrilled about.
When time feels like it’s moving too slow, it’s good to give yourself some activities to look forward to with the intent that it’ll give you some incentive to keep going.
5. Set New Personal Goals
This is a big one. When I was going through my first heartbreak, I took a good, hard look at my life and decided that I needed to make some changes for me.
That big decision, was when I was 16 in January of 2015, and I decided enough was enough.
It’s time to lose the weight.
I was forty-pounds-too-many and I used the disappointment this person caused me to realize that I cannot change someone else, but I have all the power to change myself.
Embarking on that weight-loss-journey gave me something to focus on besides that person. I not only set that goal, but I decided to get serious about my music again. Every day after school and homework, I’d sit at my piano for hours – either writing songs or self-teaching myself new chords or finger patterns.
Right now, I’ve got a few new goals for myself: like trying to grow my hair out longer (using apple cider vinegar as shampoo does work!) and learning French.
No goal is miniscule, they all matter. Giving yourself something to focus on to better yourself, your confidence, and your competence – will make a world of difference.
6. Get off of Social Media ASAP
Dear all people living in the world of incessant-cell-phone-usage in the year 2019:
This. Is. The. Best. Thing. You. Can. Do. For. Yourself.
When I was going through my first heartbreak at 16, it was with a guy across the country. Everything and anything about that relationship was over social media.
This guy was addicted to Snapchat. I would watch his stories every day…. until one day, I realized…
… if I’m trying to not think about him, why am I still watching what he’s doing?
I remember (back in the year 2015, before I had an iPhone) putting my iPod touch in my drawer and leaving it there for three weeks. When I logged back onto Snapchat, and saw him with another girl or drunk or something, I immediately regretted my decision to check Snapchat, and then tossed the iPod touch back into my drawer…
…and then went to the piano and wrote a song about how I wish I hadn’t touched the fire twice.
The bitter truth is, you will not be able to move on from somebody if you have a constant reminder of their whereabouts. Not only that, but in the midst of breakups – you need to do things that will give you back your sense of control – which odds are, is something that you feel you’ve lost in the situation.
It’s up to you to take back control, and delete the app that your ex-significant other posts on. In this case, ignorance really is bliss – because what you don’t know can no longer hurt you.
7. Focus on Your Friends
So, a potential relationship didn’t work out, but you know which relationships you do still have?
The ones with your friends and family.
It’s imperative to take all this spare time you now have to remind yourself that love interests come and go – but that friends & family are the relationships that will always be here to stay, and thus, should be the relationships that you put the effort into maintaining.
8. Workout
I’m a firm believer that working out is the answer to everything.
Mad?
Go for a run.
Upset?
Go for a run.
Too much on my mind?
Go to a yoga class… or go for a run.
I’m one of those people that will procrastinate by doing something else productive… and that thing is always working out.
Because when I’m holding a plank, it’s just a little bit harder to contemplate and obsess about something – I’m too focused on not collapsing.
Reminding yourself how capable your body is makes for a wonderful reminder of what you do have. Not only are you able to move, but you’re able to push yourself to your limit.
Working out is not only a great temporary distraction, but will remind you that you’re a lot more durable than you think.
9. Discover New Hobbies
Same thing with the goals. Find new things to do!
In 2015, I started to bake… and realized that I really liked taking my passion of food, eating, and creativity and combining them into a single activity. I’d make up the craziest things. I’d bring baked goods to school and give them away. I loved to randomly put smiles on people’s faces with a sweet treat.
There’s so much out there that you haven’t tried yet. Now is the perfect time to take a stab at that thing you’ve always wanted to do.
10. Pour Yourself into Your Passions
Just like I explained how helpful it is to use your creative outlets and to find new hobbies, don’t forget to focus on the things that you had and did before the heartbreak happened.
I’ve always loved to make music. I’ve always liked fitness. I’ve always loved to travel. I’ve always loved to write.
Now is the perfect time to reconcile with all the things you love to do that you may not have had time for in the relationship… take advantage to reignite the spark in all the things you love to do alone.
11. Find the Thing That Makes You Forget
My brother once said to me,
“Everyone has something that makes them tick.”
It’s true.
We all have hobbies, passions… but odds are, there’s one thing that makes the rest of the world disappear for you.
For me, it’s thinking about my move to Europe.
It’s thinking about how one, short year from now: I could be doing my runs alongside the seine. I’ll be buying my baguettes from la boulangerie tous les jours. I’ll have to say, “parlez vous anglais ou seulement français?” before I say anything else to someone. I can hop on a train to Switzerland whenever I want to. How instead of writing in a café filled with stressed college students, I can write in Parisian gardens while making humorous, superfluous small talk with pigeons.
That, is what makes me tick. It puts the biggest, geekiest smile on my face just to think about how happy I’ll be once I’m on that one-way flight to France.
Your one thing is going to make all other things seem so trivial and miniscule in comparison.
12. Trust in Time
Honestly, this is the advice no one ever wants to hear… but from personal experience, it’s the only piece of advice that I can offer and attest to being full proof.
It might take weeks. months. years.
And you know what?
That’s okay.
Time is the only answer to everything.
It’s the only thing that will provide you with the maturity and prospective to be able to say,
“Yep… that needed to happen.”
Maybe today things aren’t okay. Maybe yesterday was really good, but today was really hard.
Trusting in time is having the perseverance and outlook that even though things aren’t okay today, that one day, things will all be okay.
You’re still here… if you’re still waking up every morning, eating breakfast, and getting in your car even when you don’t want to…
… trust me, you’ve got half the battle down. Keep waking up every morning. Talk to your best friend on the phone every few nights. Watch your guilty pleasure T.V. show. Do your favorite workout. Dive into your favorite past times.
Find the thing that makes you tick.
And one day, before you realize it, the hurt of that previous relationship will slowly start to subside, and you’ll be left stronger in the most important relationship you’ll ever have:
The one with yourself.
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